my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
