So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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