Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
