So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i believe in u and ur pee
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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