I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
