After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
