I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
