I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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