My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
