also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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