mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
