i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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