At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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