I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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