NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
