My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
