omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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