Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
