I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
