You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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