So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
