3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
