My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
