I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I've blown a few things in my day
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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