Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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