It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
