it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I love you.
Bad choice
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
