hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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