Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
