if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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