Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
