Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
