You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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