I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
His nipple licking is glorious
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