And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
did i walk over a car last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
