Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
