I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
bring money and cleavage
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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