I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
