I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
