Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
