Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
