She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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