I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
