Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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