Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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