I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
