Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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