I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
