My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
