My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I'm really busy with my period
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