Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
